oof my dream

Christmas time is the worst time.

Man...I hate Christmas so much, I mean I love the food and the stupid presents, but I hate fake relatives I only see once a year, actually I hate all my relatives, and the cold bitter snow makes it that much worse. All I want to do this Christmas is go to Betos and get a mixed breakfast burrito with a large Jamaica, mmm... then go back home and loosen my belt up and sit my ass in front of the TV and fall into a deep DEEP sleep and wake up cuddling the remote.

The remote control, I get chills just listening to it. It's one of man's greatest inventions. I'd say the remote is the modern day Holy Grail, everyone goes crazy trying to find it, but when its found it's like getting your number called after you've just ordered food. It gives you so much power and control of the TV that it almost feels undeserving. I hate when my little brothers hold the remote with two hands, its supposed to be a simple one handed device. The proper way to control the remote is with four fingers cradling the bottom, the thumb pushing the buttons and the other hand used for scratching, eating, penetrating and hitting. It's basically the reverse way to hold a hamburger.

Finallly got it!

T.D.K.

Its coming you sons of bitches.

The last thing I ate before using the bathroom.

Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed brocoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with peperonni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top ... a McDonald's Quaterpounder with cheese. and now i'm here in teh lil' boyz restroom typing this. Do tha math. ;)

Wrestling, a non-sexual sport.

I am a fan of many sports. Wrestling is one of them, but sometimes it can go beyond wrestling. In a blink of an eye it can turn into "unintentional contact." A lot of times they try to cover it up with lame excuses. Check these out, you'll see what I mean.

"Do you mind if I keep my head under here for a while?,
my ears are cold."


"This won't hurt, and no, it's not what it seems.
Just relax. Don't fight back...i love you?"

Guy on bottom: "Hi..."
African American: "shut tha hell up or ill kill yo ass!"

Diary of a cat.

-Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. I must eat something in order to keep up my strength.The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made lame comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe —for now...